Friday, September 23, 2011

Always on the sidelines

Today was another difficult day for me, I finally told Pryce how I felt about what I want for the future. But it is clear to me that that does not fit into what he has planned. This aggravates me and hurts deeply, so today was a day of unlimited amounts of stress. I am the kind of person that will try to make everyone happy and make everything right. I always try to help people and I put their happiness above mine, so maybe that is why I so readily accept waiting around. He wants to wait two years to get married, and along with this comes tons of issues. Number one, my feelings, it really hurts me to think that he does not want to be with me after two and a half year together, it makes me feel like he is still unsure, when really I don't think that there is much to be unsure about. I have been around for some of his lowest lows and I have watched him change and stayed by his side through anything he needed me too. Number two, that means I am going to spend two years alone, I know I can deal with deployments, I am strong. But knowing that I will be alone and far away from him for two years and only seeing him on holidays kills me. I don't know how he can stand this idea, I really don't. Number three I am trying to go to school, and the program that I want to get in is a two year commitment program and that is important to me, my hope is he will get stationed in Bangor base in Washington State but I don't know. And the fact is that most young, single, submarine sailors get shipped to Japan for up to six months. Meaning, I am going to have to wait to do what I want to do, if he'd marry me sooner than he'd have a better chance at getting stationed in Washington and I already know which school I want to go to up there.
But apparently those things don't come into considerations. Quite honestly, I know I will deal with the pain and suffering. I just don't see why I have to.

2 comments:

  1. That sounds rough sweety. Though I don't know you well, I do know that good people deserve good things. Maybe he wants to wait to make sure you are going to stick around? I know it sounds harsh but maybe he is scared you will leave him on deployment? Or maybe he is tricking you lol. You never know, these guys are crazy. Did you ask him why he wanted to wait? And if he were to get stationed in the states what would keep you from moving with him?

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  2. Ugh! I'm so sorry your going through this. It is a hard life dealing with the military. It isn't easy at all. It's like an up and down rollercoaster of emotions half the time.

    Thanks for coming over and checking my blog out. My song link up goes live, late every Wednesday night and it closes on Friday afternoon. Hope to see you there this week!

    {{{hugs}}}

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