Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Resentment

Hello everyone! I feel like a horrible follower lately! I want to be able to post on all of your guys blog posts, but I really have been only posting on those who post on mine.
Lately, I have been feeling really resentful, that is the only way to describe it. I know it is unfair of me to be angry about his decisions, but it is just that his decisions keep hurting me and it is devastating. I feel like I am constantly asking myself what is wrong with me, why I am not good enough. Like it is my fault he wants to wait forever to get married, I feel almost, rejected. I know, forever is being dramatic but I am just so past the point in my life that I give a shit about being rational, it is stupid, the way people ration.
I am not stopping anything in getting in my way of being happy. 
I don't care about odds, I don't care about being wise, I don't even care about what people will say and I usually really care about what my family thinks. Actually, I am pretty positive they would all understand.
After everything I have gone through, I just want to slow down and enjoy life and work towards my goals and come home to a person I care about.
I don't blame him, I am just so past being young, and I know he is not. I have seen so much and been forced to grow up so fast because the people I trusted walked out on me that I know what I want in life. He, on the other hand, is still figuring it out, like a normal healthy person.
I don't want to party and hang out with my friends all the time, I want to save up for a decent car and get to spend time with the person I want to spend my life with. I know that I am the only person who is fighting for my future and I just want to feel like someone is on my side, that I am not so alone.
I want security.
He brings me security.
I want to feel protected.
But my nature I am the protector, I am at odds with myself.
I guess maybe it is good that I  am learning to get these things on my own, I am a strong person and nothing is going to stop me from succeeding and finding the security and life that I deserve. I know I don't need him to give me that, but it would help so much.

1 comment:

  1. Okay while I don't know what is going on... I will say a few things.

    You can't force a guy to marry you. In the end it won't work out and he will feel resentment towards you. Guys are kinda... ugh they have to go through a process and when he's ready (he has to feel like he's ready) then he'll ask you. But I will tell you everyone in the Navy will be telling him not to marry you (seen it done a million times) and they will talk him out of it and rationalize it to him. So it's a battle. BUT it isn't your fault and you didn't do anything wrong. It's not his fault either. It's just one of those things.

    And as a Navy wife I will tell you, you will feel alone even when you're guy is there. There are times you won't have him. (Duty days, underways, deployments...) You will want to cry because you want him there but he can't be. And you will feel even more alone than you once were.

    Marriage is great. Don't get me wrong. But it won't fix things. It won't make everything better.

    And each sailor goes through a thing where they party and act wild. I find it's the influence of others around them and bad judgement on their parts.

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