Lately, I have been feeling really resentful, that is the only way to describe it. I know it is unfair of me to be angry about his decisions, but it is just that his decisions keep hurting me and it is devastating. I feel like I am constantly asking myself what is wrong with me, why I am not good enough. Like it is my fault he wants to wait forever to get married, I feel almost, rejected. I know, forever is being dramatic but I am just so past the point in my life that I give a
I am not stopping anything in getting in my way of being happy.
I don't care about odds, I don't care about being wise, I don't even care about what people will say and I usually really care about what my family thinks. Actually, I am pretty positive they would all understand.
After everything I have gone through, I just want to slow down and enjoy life and work towards my goals and come home to a person I care about.
I don't blame him, I am just so past being young, and I know he is not. I have seen so much and been forced to grow up so fast because the people I trusted walked out on me that I know what I want in life. He, on the other hand, is still figuring it out, like a normal healthy person.
I don't want to party and hang out with my friends all the time, I want to save up for a decent car and get to spend time with the person I want to spend my life with. I know that I am the only person who is fighting for my future and I just want to feel like someone is on my side, that I am not so alone.
I want security.
He brings me security.
I want to feel protected.
But my nature I am the protector, I am at odds with myself.
I guess maybe it is good that I am learning to get these things on my own, I am a strong person and nothing is going to stop me from succeeding and finding the security and life that I deserve. I know I don't need him to give me that, but it would help so much.
